Beer Troubleshooting

NOT mine found on the web

SYMPTOM:	Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:.	It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:	Punch him.
SYMPTOM:	Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:	You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:	See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM:	Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:	Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM:	Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:	Improper bladder control.
ACTION:	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:	Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:	Glass empty.
ACTION:	Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:	Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:	You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:	Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM:	Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:	You have fallen forward.
ACTION:	See above.
SYMPTOM:	Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:	Floor blurred.
FAULT:	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:	Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:	Floor moving.
FAULT:	You are being carried out.
ACTION:	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM:	Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:	Bar has closed.
ACTION:	Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM:	Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:	Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM:	Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:	You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:	Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:	Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:	You have been in a fight.
ACTION:	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM:	Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:	The beer is too weak.
ACTION:	Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM:	Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:	Beer is just right.
ACTION:	Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM:	Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT:	Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION:	Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM:	Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT:	You've been walking into things.
ACTION:	Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM:	Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT:	You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION:	Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM:	Bed is bumping around.
FAULT:	Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION:	It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.